cleanse - day twelve... honesty

I woke this morning with a debilitating pain in my gut. The guilt over last night's beer cheat had combined with other stressors and manifested itself as an awful stomach ache and a general "have I been hit by a truck?" feeling. Something was wrong.

I called in sick and moped around for a little while. Then I made one of the best decisions I have in a few weeks. I got dressed and headed to yoga. I promised myself that I would let the practice be whatever it needed to be today - if all I could handle was lying on the mat for an hour, or hanging out in child's pose, that would be totally fine. I let every posture be what it needed to be, and let my intuition (rather than my competitive, type-A ego) guide me. Something changed; I was washed clean.

Here's what I realized in those few hours at Tula, both on my mat and in lovely discussions with amazing fellow yogis: this cleanse has been making me miserable in every way.

The first few days were amazing, but the last few have been a struggle. I don't just mean in terms of cravings for junk - I was never big on junk anyways. It's been making me miserable because I've been trying to fit myself into neatly defined boundaries when that's not at all what my body is asking for. It's -20c right now, I work out about 15 - 20 hours per week... and I've been feeding myself food that just hasn't been nourishing.

And then there's the issue of the guilt and the self-battering that comes when I attempt these kinds of things. Penance for drinking one beer with girlfriends while eating a huge vegan ceasar salad... really? That's just not how I want to live my life. Physically and emotionally, I've been feeling deprived.

So I let it go. I "threw in the towel". Twelve days of cleansing was enough. And as soon as I let it go, as soon as I took myself out of that box, I immediately felt better. Immediately.

I asked my belly what it wanted for lunch. It responded with this:

Tempeh and avocado sandwich from Urban Herbivore with sprouts, tomatoes, and all sorts of goodness...

AND my rice milk latte an hour later.

Amazing.

Now, I'm not a quitter so this decision was very hard... and by no means am I saying that we should all just throw in the towel when things get rough. I "threw in the towel" because I knew was off kilter, not because I was craving some junk. I was honouring myself and really listening to what would nourish me. My deepest truest self doesn't want junk. It wants to be happy and healthy. :)

It's not easy to do, but when we let our true selves guide us, we make the right decisions... always. How do you know you have made the right decision, the most nourishing, self-honouring decision? You immediately feel lighter after. You glow.

Hope you're all having a wonderful Friday.

Namaste!

mxo